Choking on dust

I never intended this to be a serious blog, and yet I find myself wanting to vent out shit that has really been weighing on my mind lately.  Sorry in advance to the people who expected the badly drawn pictures and hopeless insanity that seemed to litter the old blog, as well as entries within this one.  But if I'm planning to be perfectly honest, I'm really not feeling that type of vibe lately, you dig?

2010 was pretty rough.  To recap: life at Khan Castle was permeated with a sinister cloud of bad luck (for those of you who have read this for a while, you know the details) that included but didn't leave out death, illness, and a general sense of unease.  When 2011 came rolling through, there was a hopeful sense of optimism that maybe, just maybe, this year would be better.

And it has been.  I can't deny that.  Wounds slowly heal, regardless of how much you pick at a scab.  Eventually you learn to smile again.  You don't focus so much on what could have, should have been.  Things slowly fall back into a pattern of normalcy you are used to. And yet, it doesn't.

Does that make sense? I have a hard time verbalizing how I feel, and I think that writing it out has the same sense of confusion and dubiety.  Its an overall feeling of dissension simmering just beneath the surface skin, threatening to agitate the false normalcy into a frenzied state of cacophonous malaise.  What's the catalyst?  We're both standing face to face, neither of us willing to see what's transpired between us. It's not pretty, and I'm not quite sure either of us care enough any more do anything to rectify it.  We've gone too far, and seem to much and have both been left to lick our wounds in private.  It's the burden that we bear.

I think tragedy has a way of bringing far people closer, and close people further from one another.  It's the only way I can really justify why I sit here passively day by day, watching what we once had crumble into an ashen pile of regrets.  I can't stop it, and to be one thousand percent fair, I'm not even sure it could use a resurrection at this point.  It's blatant that our lives are headed in two separate directions with no sign of convergence on the path.

I'm really not sure what the near future brings.  You'll be all over the world.  I'll be living my own life, and we steadily distance ourselves from one another.  Maybe I'll see you next week or next month or next year.  Maybe we'll just both disappear.  This is all sounding so dark, and I'm sorry for that.  I honestly don't see it that way.  It could be a good thing, right?

I'm not a hero, and I don't like pain, but words express feelings and emotions, and they can't last forever.



Sorry.